April 19, 2007

Baa Baa Blacksheep

Some times I feel like I move through my day without anyone ever really knowing I'm there. I float around, quietly going here, doing that, dropping kids off at school, picking kids up at school, running errands, etc. Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try to build relationships with people, I never really feel like I'm able to get close or truly open myself up. I am a round peg amongst all the square pegs. It's always been this way for me it seems. My mother's family isn't particularly close so although I had periods in my life where one aunt was very involved and important in my life, it changed as I got older. I didn't ever really fit in with my father's family because of a divorce when I young, unhealthy lifestyles and a sure and steady separation. I never felt comfortable with my step family - in fact none of them like me because of what I represented to the family and they were protective of their "real" family members. I can be very shy and quiet as well so it's more difficult for me to jump into situations that are new or different. I'm not trying to sound like I'm whining nor am I looking for pity - I've simply just realized this about myself. I am a black sheep. I guess that's why I yearn for my little family and kids to be really close. I want them to feel safe and loved no matter what happens in the outside world.

I don't own that "it" quality that people gravitate towards. My son does! Mr Wonder Boy makes his presence known no matter where he is (sometimes to my great embarrassment). He is a talker and is inquisitive and a bit nosey at times. He likes to figure people out. And people like him! The divine miss O has already followed suit and lil' baby love is showing signs of this quality as well. Just the other day when we walked up to wonder boy's t-ball game, she was waving and yelling, in her little baby way, "hi!" to the crowd. This "no fear" sense of self must be something you are born with. Or maybe it's just something all kids have. Either way, I hope they never lose this quality. They are all fun, smart little people and I, for one, love spending time in their presence.

1 comment:

n8cherluver said...

Very forthcoming blog. It is great that you are honest with yourself. You know you can always make changes in your own personality to some extent. You just have to work with it. Perhaps you do not make yourself approachable to others. Sounds like your kids are extremely outgoing, though, and believe this to be a wonderful trait.