September 20, 2010

open book

For the most part I am a gigantic, walking, talking, open book. If someone asks what's new in my world, I tend to sing it like a songbird. Good or bad. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and can be overly sensitive to the smallest of innuendos. Sometimes I kick myself after, asking myself why do I do that?! And, sometimes I ask myself why didn't I say something when the timing is so perfect. I'm not brass and bold....I'm more touchy-feely I guess. However, I do know my limits and through the years have learned when I need to say "sorry, that just doesn't work for me."

With that being said, there is something I have been keeping under wraps for a while now. I haven't shared about my recent decisions because I know so many people have really strong opinions about this particular subject. Mr. Hawthrone is one of them. But he is supportive. Just extremely cautious.

So here it is. I have been researching weight loss surgery. There! I spilled it. Because I'm not going to be Star Jones and try to trick you all into believing yoga and pilates is the "only" key to shedding major amounts of poundage.

The journey started a long time ago although I only very recently started the actual process for the procedure. I tossed the idea of a lap band around for a good long while after programs like weight watchers and good old fashion diet and exercise wasn't proving fruitful for me. I love to feel healthy and I love yoga and pilates (don't get me wrong) but the more hot and heavy I got into really pushing my body, the more things seemed to break down. At the top of my most hated activities is going to see doctors but I decided I was going to feel better no matter how many doctor visit it took. One thing led to another and my weight seemed to be the number one factor.

Let me say this though, I've not continued to gained. I've pretty much maintained this weight for a good long while. But I'm stuck. Between a rock and a hard place so to speak. Too fat to be skinny and too skinny to be fat. If that makes sense. It's true I am overweight and I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it changes what I do. I hate how it really determines how my day goes as stupid as that sounds but it is true. I'm pretty sure people in my predicament know exactly what I mean by that. However, going forward with weight loss surgery, I was not heavy enough. So in order for me to get help, I had to be more unhealthy. And, that I just couldn't stand for. I want to be proactive. Not cleaning up an even bigger mess.

I almost stopped right then and there. When just visiting the weight loss surgeon wasn't going to be covered by insurance, I panicked. Not to mention words like "slippage" and "corrosion" and "fills" started floating around, I knew I didn't want to get a lap band after all. Something foreign being put into my body made me really stop and think.

Unexpectedly, the surgeon's staff talked me down from my panic and pushed me forward. Because it is their job? Yeah, probably. But I am thankful they understood my concern and made me feel like they wanted me to feel successful. The surgeon told me he was pretty sure I had sleep apnea. At first I thought he was off his rocker and this was all a shot in the dark. I thought sleep apnea was just when people snored really loud. Little did I know. Turns out I have "apneas" as the sleep doctor calls it. I now sleep with a c-pap machine and have two sleep studies under my belt. After a month of hooking myself up a tube at night, I can honestly say, I am feeling better. More energy. Less dragging. I was never getting a full nights rest because my brain was trying to keep me from dying in my sleep more or less. After a night of that, you don't wake up feeling rested and ready to start the day I can tell you that much. I still get tired. But it is a tired from having a day of activity not an all over body exhaustion. Which was what I was suffering from.

If I hadn't of continued with the weight loss surgery procedures, I wouldn't have searched out sleep medicine. For that I am thankful. Never in all the regular medical doctor visit have they suggested sleep apnea for the root of my problems no matter how much I complained. Which is oh so frustrating to say the least.

You might be wondering now that I am treating sleep apnea will I go forward with weight loss surgery. The answer to that is: I'm still on the fence. I'm pretty sure I will but I'm still afraid of the actual surgery to be honest, so I am hesitant. My gut says "go for it" while my head says "are you sure about this?" I continue to hop hurdles for the insurance company while remaining undecided for now.


Carrie said...

I'm SO glad you found out about the sleep apnea - even in a round about way! And as far as the surgery goes - you do whatever is comfortable for you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one knows your body better than yourself. Who knows - maybe getting better sleep will help you with your weight loss! ;-) LOVE YA!

little irish said...

Thanks Carrie!! Much appreciated!

Stephanie said...

I think my hubby has sleep apnea, we've just been discussing between the snoring and how many times I can here him 'not breathing' each night that he may have a problem... About the surgery, I totally get you, I too am too 'small' for surgery but too 'big' to be 'healthy' and fit. I don't gain or lose no matter how I do or don't eat or if I exercise or not... It sucks. I hope you find a solution that is right for you. We're here to support any decision you make!

little irish said...

Thank you my friend. I'm two months out from "D" day where I have to decide if this is right for me or not. I just keep going to all the appts. and jumping through all the hoops in the mean time.

And, get your hubby into see a sleep doctor asap!! My mom is going to see one in Olympia.