struggles

This picture was taken at a friend's famous karaoke night. No doubt I am belting out Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 and kicking ass if I do say so myself. No doubt I am flanked by two good friends I so kindly cut out of the picture. (You are welcome) And, no doubt I am having a great time laughing and chatting and laughing some more.

However, upon seeing this unflattering pictures of myself I am flooded with the self-blahs! I really look this bad and no matter what clothing I put on myself, it just doesn't get any better. I hate it! I do not understand clothing manufactures that think women who are overweight should only wear god-awful, gigantic flowers or overly sized boxy cuts on their bodies to make themselves feel and look worse. It's ever so frustrating!

I spend the majority of my day taking care of others. The constant constant of teaching, touching, cleaning, changing, redirecting, cuddling, smoothing, referee-ing, holding, feeding, clothing, bathing, stroking, thinking, correcting, playing, running, picking, dropping, hauling, and of course always being two steps ahead is down right exhausting. At the end of the day all I want to do is flop on the couch and not "ing" anything for a minute. It's hard to find time to take care of myself in the midst of constant taking care of others. And granted two cups of coffee and a cupcake for breakfast is not a good start to any ones day but I just find it just too tiring to try and do anything better for myself. Just the thought of preparing an egg (even) wears me out.

I work out pretty regularly. I attend weight watchers. And, although I have lost a few pounds and I've changed my exercise habits and portion control, I haven't seen a drastic difference in my appearance. Which is oh so very frustrating. Seeing pictures of myself (as exhibit A, above) only confirms my disappointment in myself. Granted I haven't gained back to or gained above the point I started at. But I still feel stuck. J-man wants me to run a half marathon in June with him. And I want to. I feel like having a goal to train for would be good. However, I feel like I could train my butt off and be able to run the half with him, but still look like this. Which is frustrating. I want to give up, bury myself under a blanket with a pound of M&M's.