February 16, 2009


This picture was taken at a friend's famous karaoke night. No doubt I am belting out Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 and kicking ass if I do say so myself. No doubt I am flanked by two good friends I so kindly cut out of the picture. (You are welcome) And, no doubt I am having a great time laughing and chatting and laughing some more.

However, upon seeing this unflattering pictures of myself I am flooded with the self-blahs! I really look this bad and no matter what clothing I put on myself, it just doesn't get any better. I hate it! I do not understand clothing manufactures that think women who are overweight should only wear god-awful, gigantic flowers or overly sized boxy cuts on their bodies to make themselves feel and look worse. It's ever so frustrating!

I spend the majority of my day taking care of others. The constant constant of teaching, touching, cleaning, changing, redirecting, cuddling, smoothing, referee-ing, holding, feeding, clothing, bathing, stroking, thinking, correcting, playing, running, picking, dropping, hauling, and of course always being two steps ahead is down right exhausting. At the end of the day all I want to do is flop on the couch and not "ing" anything for a minute. It's hard to find time to take care of myself in the midst of constant taking care of others. And granted two cups of coffee and a cupcake for breakfast is not a good start to any ones day but I just find it just too tiring to try and do anything better for myself. Just the thought of preparing an egg (even) wears me out.

I work out pretty regularly. I attend weight watchers. And, although I have lost a few pounds and I've changed my exercise habits and portion control, I haven't seen a drastic difference in my appearance. Which is oh so very frustrating. Seeing pictures of myself (as exhibit A, above) only confirms my disappointment in myself. Granted I haven't gained back to or gained above the point I started at. But I still feel stuck. J-man wants me to run a half marathon in June with him. And I want to. I feel like having a goal to train for would be good. However, I feel like I could train my butt off and be able to run the half with him, but still look like this. Which is frustrating. I want to give up, bury myself under a blanket with a pound of M&M's.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

I know how you feel! But that is AWESOME that you lost some, even if it's not as much as you'd hoped. Small amounts add up to big losses. You're body is probably still trying to adjust after your surgery - give yourself a break...if you keep up with things, it'll come off!