do what you gotta do

This morning I read a post from a favorite blog that really made me think ... about myself. I've had some feelings mulling around my head from a "happening" for a few months now. I often try to just push negative feelings down and forget about it, thinking to myself it's not important nor worth the time and energy I'm wasting thinking about it. Which is true. However, when I least except it, those feelings of hurt and anger bubble up to the surface and I relive the situation all over again. I tend to be over sensitive and over analyze things. This is both a fault and a positive trait of mine. I care about how my actions affect those around me. However, I seem to always be in hyper-sensitivity-mode when around others. This is a fault because I let things bother me or I worry about things I've done and how it affects others too darn much which causes horrible self talk and depression.

I often think of life like the ebb and flow of the ocean's tide. The vast sea being your safe haven and the beach being the world and people that affect and changes you. You float in and out, to and from the beach touching and being ultimately changed. Your approach is always different. Sometimes you come in hard and fast in happiness or in anger. Sometimes depending on how your last entry was perceived, you come in slow and cautious. And sometimes you don't come in at all. Every re-entry is a new experience and every exit forever changes your course in life.

Every person you come into contact with has a lasting effect on how you move through your life. I've had many life altering experiences some for the better and some for the worse. I most likely will never have a babysitter or send my children to child care based solely on a horrible moment in my childhood. It's always in the back of mind and it affects everything I do. I hate it!! On the complete opposite side of the barometer, my life has been altered for the better. Like my fifth grade teacher forever solidified my career choice. However, the ebb and flow of life has caused me to change my focus and direction.

So when I received a negative email about a gift (one of many, many, many, many gifts), I was ultimately hurt and oh so very angry. So hurt and angry, in fact, that months afterwards I still think about it from time to time. Through the course of growing up, loss of a parent, divorces, blending of step families, going to college, getting married, buying houses, moving, losing friends, gaining friends, and having children all I've ever tried to do is gain happiness in my life. I try my hardest to make lasting memories and special occasions for my children. Every birthday is an event to the best of my ability. Clothes are the cutest I can afford. Bedrooms are decorated as magical and as imaginative as I can muster. Memories, big or small, are as great as I can possibly create. And then, for a fun and creative outlet, I discovered blogging. I like to share the things I've done or made or created. And, if you so desire, can take something away and create that for happiness in your life too. In no way, did I think the things I've shared would be used against me. Once again my ebb and flow is affected. I came crashing into the beach hard and fast and then fell back to the sea for a reprieve. Gaining peace and perspective.

I have a hard time making new year resolutions. My belief is making grand goals and not accomplishing them only makes for big disappointment and feelings of failure. Which as we all know leads to negative self talk and depression. It's a vicious cycle! For some reason, 2009 feels like a new beginning to me. I'm starting this year out with a fresh outlook. I want to be prepared. I want to be organized. I want to weed through the junk and get rid of it. I want to be healthy and most of all happy. And, if I were to make any resolutions, it would be to not allow others change my course of well being. I'm going to do what I've got to do to make me happy. And if you don't like it, you can suck it!